Cam

I love kids and always have. Knowing this about myself made the decision to be a teacher simple. I am an Early Childhood teacher and love what I do. But it's not really the same as having your own baby and being a mom is something I have wanted all my life.
Almost 11 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful, wonderful and amazing little boy, Cameron (and I'm not biased at all, haha). Cam was born the day after Christmas and it is so hard to believe that he will soon be a year old. I know everyone says it goes by in a blink but I never really understood until now. I love every minute I get to spend with him and now that he's getting bigger he has more of his own personality and is so much fun to be around. I love to hear him laugh and giggle and watch him learn how to crawl and walk. Hearing him say "mama" was one of the most amazing things I have witnessed. All in all, life is pretty good, but there are a few changes I would make.
Going back to work after having Cam was probably the toughest thing I have ever done. A job I once loved and couldn't imagine not doing suddenly seemed less important. Why take care of someone else's kid when all I wanted was to be with my own? As sad as it is, it came down to finances. My husband and I just can't afford for me not to work and I hate that it all comes back to money. But money makes the world go round and so back to work I went.
All day I think about what he is doing, what I am missing and if I am doing the right thing. It is just so hard to know if I am making the right decisions. He is a happy baby and is thriving but I just feel like I'm missing it.
Luckily he's with my mom while I'm at work which makes me feel a little better. I like that he gets to spend time with his grandmother and he will start seeing his cousin (who is only 3 weeks younger) a couple times a week soon. He has a great time during the day and I know he is happy. I just feel like time has already gone by so quickly and will only continue to do so. What am I missing while I'm away? Does he even realize I'm not there? Am I only thinking of myself?
I went to daycare as a child and loved it. I have a great relationship with my parents and never thought anything of sending my own children to daycare. Now that the time has come though, it is much harder to do than I thought. I feel like I am always stressed about something and worried about how my decisions will affect his life. As my own mom would say, "welcome to parenthood".
Hopefully one day I will be able to stay at home. I'm not saying that I never want to work again. I just feel that my time would be better spent with my own baby and seeing that he grows up to be the person I know he can be. Who knew a few years ago that this would be what occupies my mind most of the time? I love being a mom and I have the best baby in the world...now if only I could spend more time with him life would be pretty perfect.